As I noted previously, these recaps are pastiches of the type you might see elsewhere; and Jacob Clifton of TWoP recapped the first three episodes with his trademark snark and I highly recommend you go read and giggle. I don't believe he's doing the rest of the series, however. But really, my style, such as it is, is more a homage to Cleolinda Jones, she of Movies in Fifteen Minutes fame, and currently recapping Hannibal on her blog Occupation: Girl. So I don't pretend to be some clever thing, but I am having fun (and really, you kinda have to just to get through an episode much less watching each one twice and listening to it a third time, as I am).
Previously on: COUNTDOWN TO ARMAGEDDON, APPARENTLY.
Hank Galliston, Skeptical Schlub, has been racking up the frequent flyer miles in pursuit of his clock restorer wife Laila who was passively-aggressively kidnapped by Creepy Omniscient Villain White Vincent, and the greater mystery of Why Clocks? and Why does some dead Nazi dude have my face? and now Damnit, I knew a hot girl with clock-fu would not really be interested in me and that's not just my skepticism talking! So Hank has been to the Canadian tundra, and Chennai, and Princeton, and Wismar, but he's never really been to Me? Uh...okay?
The revealing of the Holy Relic - like there's not enough going on in this show - strikes me as rather premature. The unfortunate premature, the kind which gets guys the nickname Minute Man kind of premature.
Vincent intones stuff about the number four...blah blah blah seasons...blah blah blah death and birth.
Creepy Little Boy is with his mom Amy Irving and she gives us a lesson in locusts like they're sacred and is so proud of her understanding progeny who pets the one in her hand in a gesture of Who's a pretty locust? You are! but then is made so angry by WV's lack of progress that she kills it and so she's crazy, I guess?
Crosscut between Hank and Riley Mulder-and-Scullying their way down a busy street while back at the media empire it's the Scoobies (minus Agent Blonde)! Rachel then chastises Arron for his purported lack of empathy but we all know her FEELINGS! are hurt by the betrayal and he's nicely big brother-like instead of being defensive. Later, Head Skeptic busts in, still fueled by his RAEG. and starts in on the credo, or whatever, and they'll follow him anywhere, of course. They are tasked with finding out what lock the key Hank found in the feeder will fit into. He's going to tear up the clock shop in another RAEG, uh, intense search for clues.
Hank loses his shit and tears up the house - HANK SMASH! photos of the Lying Liar Who Lied - but we are not to think it's merely RAEG, you see. He has a helpful flashback which conveniently allows him to find something in the hummingbird feeder. Even though his heart is broken in a million clock gear-sized pieces, he has to give it up for The Escape Artist Formerly Known As Laila.
"Clever," he murmurs, looking at his find.
WV is in a park drinking from - I shit you not - a juice box, waiting on Creepy Little Boy, whom he meta-esquely points out is strange, freaking out again. He gets a blank stare, like, My mom is mad at you, mister, let's cut the chitchat. It's amusing to see WV unhinged because he knows he's in deep shit with Mommy Locust, who would likely crush him just like she did that Schistocerca gregaria. Indeed, she sends him a note: "Do I need to cut you from the roster, errand boy?" and he's all psychopathic posturing and then Creepy Little Boy finds one of his wounds and ICK plays with the blood still seeping from it, and to see WV start at his touch like OMG NO and there's a creepy cue and....this kid had to be born of a jackal, right?
Back in The Year of Our Lord 2007, exposition of an incredibly anvil-esque fashion shows us that Anna (IF THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME) has always been A Lying Liar Who Lies and is caught out by the head priest of the church/convent where she's hiding from whatever and he basically demands her cooperation: "You want advancement? Then you need to take this incredibly dangerous assignment for our clandestine organization who totally lies and kills and fornicates and lots of other sinful stuff for the greater glory of God." He pulls the sacrifice card and I'm all, Guilt: motivational tool since forever. She burns up all her identification as he's giving her the Higher Calling speech on the side of the Shepherds, and I'm not buying that it's all she is, not yet. But you gotta know when a religious devotee uses the word true in conjunction with their ideology there's gonna be hijinks and bloodshed and probably death, especially when he's whispering it in phone sex come-on fashion.
And...cue title sequence! Which I've realized is probably only about 15-20 seconds long and that's why I prefer the end credits version instead.
Post-commercial break Hank and Riley discuss the clue while back in 2007, Anna (IF THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME) and her boss discuss the whole Spy vs.Spy history between the Shepherds and the Pyrates. We learn that Mommy Locust appears to be a definite baddie (but we already knew that, of course).
Scoobies doing their thang: Girl Genius Rachel figures out half the answer to the key while Arron and Agent Blonde track Laila's movements via the subway (Here's where the ep totally fails the Bechdel Test, as Rachel rolls her eyes at Paige's he's so cuuuuute comment...Show please don't tell me Rachel secretly loves Arron, that's just so dumb.) and they find out she really likes Brooklyn. A lot. Stuff happens. they find Laila's hidey-hole and Hank looks totally betrayed, as if he's discovered she was really a prostitute or something...How could I, the Skeptical Schlub, have fallen for a religious fanatic on a Mission from God? They each find Clues which will of course lead them to the Weekly Showdown. The Feds know everything, of course, and so crazy awesome science backs it up.
In The Year of Our Lord 2008, Anna is in Paraguay being all nun-ninja, posing as Emily, a backpacker with a yen to do good works.
Two priests walk...okay no they're just standing somewhere (Battery Park, maybe? Admittedly my familiarity with NYC is limited to a few visits.) having a conversation of significance about those pesky Rosicrucians, and it's just like I said: Reggie knows a lot for someone who doesn't actually know them, and Mickle calls him on it. They jump at the clatter of a shredder and the camera pulls back to allow us to see that WV is eavesdropping...because he's going to find TEAFKAL before Hank does...maybe. Okay Show, that was a creepy moment. It's totally contrived but whatever, Let's go to Paraguay!
Lots of stereotypical visual shorthand ahoy! Including a llama. I like llamas but damn, that was just gratuitous. Hank and Riley are in the same marketplace where Emily and her drinking buddy once stood for a photo op: Excuse us, do you recognize these girls from five years ago? Oh yeah, that's not a longshot at all. But it's totally not because a taxi driver recognizes them as volunteers at A CURSED CLINIC! Flashback to 2008 and the girls arrive at said haunted clinic, a kinda creepy-looking-out-in-the-middle-of-the-rainforest place and Emily's suspicion-fu is on high alert. But from the way she keeps whining about her hangover apparently her drinking-fu is fail. In yet another parallel sequence, Hank and Riley head out to investigate. The place looks deserted, but totally is not. And speaking of wardrobe choices, you're gonna tell me that Riley would actually go on a mission in the jungle wearing white jeans? Do I look like I fell off that beat-up VW bus, Show?
Meanwhile the Cute Squad are conspiracy-chasing at the media empire (With people! Looking like they do stuff!) and Rachel has a sad, and Arron gets brotherly again (and I want his sweater) but she still manages to cockblock him (oh please!), then more exposition regarding another Super Secret Cabal, The 41 Trust. Back at the deserted haunted clinic, Hank and Riley are insertion teaming and Emily is spying and flirting and running down secret tunnels and creeping around the basement. But hey, what else is a girl whom Show objectifies in cut-offs gonna do? Riley has to take a call and Hank is thinking, "Uh, maybe you shouldn't leave me alone in the haunted clinic?"
Sure enough...It must be time for Weekly Showdown, eh? Antagonists now united in their cause to inform Laila she's got some 'splainin' to do, WV mutters cryptically about how Hank and Laila were looking for each other, and it all has to do with Project Zero Hour. Plus there's a scene with the most docile supposed-to-be-wild rat I've ever seen, just chillin' with the villain down in the haunted basement and whatnot.
The Cute Squad pays a visit to The 41 Trust and Emily finds Bad Stuff in the super secret lab including people in cages. She grabs film canisters and files and manages to leave with a minimum of fuss, and thus we know that the 352 in her message of significance is a test subject. Mommy Locust is revealed as The 41 Trust's head honcho Melanie Lynch - she even has a TED Talk, y'all - since when did that become a viral marketing tool, btw? WV gleefully shows Hank that they are, indeed, brothers, as during his lab rat captivity Hank possessed the same creepy-ass eyeballs, and we see Anna complaining about the toll to her soul and receiving her next assignment as hot girl with clock-fu Laila Galliston.
Riley busts in all OH NOES and WV gives her back her bullets. In her body. He's ready to finish the job when Hank - taking a page from the playbook of Captain Fisticuffs - is all WHAM! with some random piece of wood and they get out and into the foliage, whereupon WV delivers his soliloquy of whining and threats much like DeNiro in Cape Fear. Seriously, it was made of *facepalm* and scenery-chewing.
So back at HQ Anna burns the remnants of her deep cover as Laila, looking all hard-eyed and Good With God, and...yep, here's Reggie, looking equally smug. Later she prays and she's holding a photo of herself with Hank and of course this shit ain't over but her FEELINGS! are not going to be well-received in future, I'm thinking.
WV is yelling, Riley is bleeding, Hank is freaking...and the evidence of his origins as Project Zero Hour test subject 352 are also burning up in the film projector, all creepy-like, because there is a particular angle at which he totally looks like a serial killer fer realz.
OH MAH GAWD DIDN'T I TELL Y'ALL?!
(But hey, it's not that difficult to figure out, I know.)
The good (scoring) stuff:
I thought there were rather a few obvious cues in this episode but that said, the sequence where Hank is at home looking for anything which might tell him who Laila really is works very well at transitioning from anger and panic to bittersweet memories. Discussion of The Shepherds has a cue which is interesting to me, it's a little more subtle than I would have thought. The sequence at Laila's apartment is also nicely structured. I love the Paraguay cue too, Trevor has an affinity for Latin music (but watch, it will turn out Paul wrote that cue or it was licensed music). The theme during the scenes where Hank and Riley visit the Santa Marta Clinic remind me somewhat of Trevor's score for Bad Company (one which remains unfairly obscure, as it contains the achingly beautiful "Prague" main theme).
