Show...dude...how the heck are ya? Oh, right, cancelled. But hey, at least we can hang out in the network purgatory which is Saturday night. Let's make a whole mess of nachos and get conspiracy-chasing!
Yeah so, welcome back everyone...previously on COUNTDOWN TO ARMAGEDDON, APPARENTLY: there were clocks and shocks and villains, oh my! Plus, likely the most beautiful antique clock restorer in recorded history, her harried husband, and the angst-haunted tattooed FBI agent who follows him around.
Tick-tock, tick-tock...
Three is the number of the Trinity: the Son, the Spirit and God. As man grows near the truth, he'll find all he knows is a fraud.
A conundrum, as usual. The smartass who lives in my brain said, "You didn't make any popcorn?" And also: "Yeah we know what the fraud is, mmm hmm." I threw an old Twinkie at it and said not to interrupt this beautiful reunion with Show.
So. Previously on: Rosicrucian Hijinks, as the ubiquitous enemy of truth and light descends on the sacred space, Hank's doppelganger ancestor is entrusted with the sacred mission of protecting The Arc of the Covenant...uh, whatever it is which is really yet another prop 'cause there's probably not even a clock in it.
"Church before Reich?" his fellow officer accuses, delaying his departure at gunpoint Yeah you can't be crossing the streams of your cultural oppressors, you know, that just leads to trouble every time. "What's in the box, man?" Ooops, wrong story. Then he starts blathering on about power and Hank's doppelganger looks all annoyed and retorts, "You don't know what power is." Uh oh...you know when people start busting out that line they're even more deluded than the people who think they do know. And then Bait-and-Switch appears and stops the annoying lecture and it turns out he does have the clock and yeah, Anthony Edwards' German accent is really lame. And then he busts out with the episode symbolism in the first five minutes. OKAY SHOW STOP WITH YOUR ANVIL-ESQUE MOMENT PLEASE. Dang, I probably could have figured it out without that exposition, thanks. Gunplay of significance follows which then allows us to segue to a clever (okay not really) juxtaposition of White Vincent also bleeding out from his latest encounter with Riley, as Laila attempts compassion and also driving. He's totally onto her, and they both look awful, and again points to Show for being honest about how two people would look in the midst of such an ordeal. She calls her skeptical schlub, and they have a mushy minute before WV intrudes. "Dude, I'm bleeding out and therefore you need to be my errand boy, mmmkay? Go fetch and I give you my word you can totally have her in tradsies," and Hank's all "Your word?!" like anyone could really believe that WV is a Man of His Word. And WV says, "I don't lie, brother," and OMG they were both made in the same lab, I'm tellin' ya! They're the ubermensch, except, seriously, if male pattern baldness is part of that genetic sequence then someone totally screwed up the splicing, IMO.
Meanwhile, Riley has an argument with Special Agent Obvious who reminds her WV is a lying liar who lies and then says if she wants answers about her husband's death she needs to get WV and ask him and...WUT. How can WV be a lying liar who lies and the only one with the answers? She looks as pissed off as I do at that whole exchange. I know what he's really saying is, "Girl, get over your angst-haunted self and do your friggin' job already," but still, don't doubletalk us, Show! Even though we all know the Feds have to take a class in that to qualify for the job. Sometimes versimilitude is besides the point.
Back at the media empire known as Modern Skeptic (seriously, suddenly the staff grew by a factor of ten), Hank is attempting some clock-fu of his own while he and the Cute Squad exposition about "What's the deal with these clocks, seriously?" and then they find a gear made of gold which they take to a Hassidic jeweler (again, not really necessary to be that obvious) and he expositions about smuggling and informs them that the entire gearwork of Einstein's clock is a metallurgic hoedown, with each part constructed of a different material. Walking, exposition, convenient tote board of significance and smartphone Google-fu and now they must Crack The Code, which is what they have to do every episode anyway, right? But the hilarious thing is one of the Suddenly Staff Members dress sense is pure Jimmy Olsen:
Montage of Cracking The Code, with Hank reviewing guesses like an underpaid overannoyed high school English teacher (better known as just about every high school English teacher ever), cut to numerous reaction shots of so lame from Rachel, who totally wants to be the one to figure it out. (I know that feeling.) and he's so mentor-esque: "Thank you, nice try." No dude, you need to be Gordon Ramsey screaming at them to figure it the fuck out already, you donkeys! Whoops wrong show, anyway, because she wants to be The Smart Girl, she totally is, and she can barely contain her glee at figuring it out. But he tells her she is "gigantic" uh, meaning her brain, I guess? So Hank is off to pack for his trip of Weekly Showdown but upon reaching his domicile finds Father Reggie, and he's all, "Uh hi, strange priest in my house?" and we hear a music cue of WTF?
OMG IS REGGIE A SHEPHARD?! Given his previous exposition I imagine we're meant to believe he is. Like, "Uh, I don't know these guys? But I totally know everything about them. Yeah, that's it."
And...cue title sequence! That was, like, almost ten minutes into the episode and I can't help but think it's a bit long. Although I know it's got to cut on a cliffhanger (such as it is) I think it could have done so earlier, but I know that's just the way they roll on Zero Hour; OMG HOW MANY TWISTS AND TURNS CAN THEY BOMBARD US WITH BEFORE THE TITLES!
(Why am I yelling? Because that's what it feels like it's doing to me, kinda.)
So then the good father gives a speech about sacrifice (something which religious personages always seem to be lecturing us about), and cue WV and Laila breaking into a not-so-random house (I assume because he knows exactly where the stuff he needs is) for some impromptu surgery. She keeps saying, "You need help!" and you just know he's thinking Fer chrissakes stop with the Feelings! and the Help! already, it's bad enough I have to drag you around as my clock-fu consultant, what, you possess impromptu surgery-fu too?! As WV preps the wound with a handy bottle of booze he actually snorts from the pain - I lol'ed - and then creepily makes her watch him take the bullet out (because that's the way he rolls) and ICK WOUND PENETRATION (But not as potentially oh my god no as five minutes of your average episode of Hannibal, just sayin.'), the only kind you will ever see on network television.
Elsewhere, Riley decides to do her job, except she totally doesn't - being more Mulder than Scully - as she sweet-talks Agent Blonde into becoming her accomplice in accessing the files on the bombing of Russiyana Flight 71 (the event in which WV killed her husband). Agent Blonde is understandably reluctant and Riley is all, "Look, Conspiracy Girl - I saw you totally geeking out with Arron - and we need to bust this wide open, know what I'm sayin?" Agent Blonde demurs and Riley has the look of, "Who do I have to shoot to get some clandestine help around here?!"
Meanwhile, Hank and the Cute Squad (not looking one bit jetlagged, I might add) are headed to the Weekly Showdown and Rachel's got that bitchin' coat on again. Their expositionary setup segues to another flashback of Hank's doppelganger who is freaking out over his bleeding comrade and, okay, I get that's upsetting but I'm figuring you don't become a Nazi officer without some knowledge of bloodshed. There are more symbolic anvils dropped upon us as it is revealed they are traveling the very same road and the scene cuts back and forth as both timelines enter the church of revelation. Hank's doppelganger is holding the clock...which we can assume is conveniently buried with his fallen comrade in the churchyard. One of the twelve apostles is Wilhelm Craig: travel agent...uh, okay?
Back at the not-so-random fugitive hideout, Laila is attempting to convince WV she does have impromptu surgery-fu and with purring menace WV declares, "I tire of your attempts to forge a human connection with me," and shows her his freaky-ass eyeball And then she unleashes her pity-fu, which is the Worst Solution EVER, causing WV to smile all crazy-like and inform Hank he's subtracting one day from the timetable, after which he's all, "Laila, seriously, STFU mmmkay?"
Cut to Hank foolishly wandering around Genesis where he makes a Significant Discovery and then WHAM!
"Uh hi, strange man on my boat?"
Post-commercial break WV (apparently not dying just yet) and Laila are like a Stockholm Syndrome old married couple and then she launches into a lecture about having grace and just as I'm thinking, "Wow, messiah complex much?" then WV retorts, "Lying liar who lies!" and she's all, "Nyah-nyah-nyah not gonna hate you and let you win!" and there is the truth of it, not so compassionate after all.
This episode is about ideologies, after a fashion, and how they are reflected within identity.
Laila's theme swells as WV stumbles towards her, knife in hand, radiating the classic I hate you but I need you resignation to cooperation emotional aura. He does his usual threatening but warns her he will have no grace in betrayal. Meanwhile, Riley is also lacking this quality as her search is stymied and then Agent Blonde is a helper just like we knew she (eventually) would be.
Hank was definitely nicer to his intruder, as he finds himself hog-tied and beaten, but then again you know how sailors are...
Cut to Flashback Time:
"What's in the box, man?!" Hitler Youth asks.
(Sorry but I can't help myself.)
Hank's doppelganger is attempting to get underway with the Holy Probably Not Even A Relic and then the ubiquitous enemies of truth and light show up and Hitler Youth pulls a gun on Stern.
"Who are you?!" Corbin and Hank are asked in their respective timelines.
Yeah that's a good question...
Captain Fisticuffs finds the clock and Hitler Youth is equally sunk in the Matrix and can't comprehend A Higher Calling...until Stern shows him what's in the Plot Device. The Box has a cue, I guess, and it's suitably awestruck. They get asked the same question again but this time we are with Hank and just as Captain Fisticuffs loses his patience, the apostle appears, recognizing Stern rather than Hank.
Back at the not-so-random fugitive hideout, surgery and more cat-and-mouse between the couple of the moment and Laila manages to fool WV - in his admittedly bloodloss-loopy state - into thinking that she didn't hold back one of her clock-fu tools to effect an escape...BUT SHE TOTALLY DID BECAUSE SHE'S TRICKY!
A lovely reflective cue introduces the next scene, as Hank and the fourth apostle discuss ghosts and yeah, it's pretty much as I figured...Hitler Youth received his Higher Calling by virtue of Stern's badly-accented proselytizing.
OH HAI NAZI SUB NOT YET A SICLE!
Yeah Corbin...dude, I think you might not wanna get on that thing, even though submarines are totally bitchin.'
The clock - as with the others - travels the paths of history, from Stern to Hank, while the man who was once the boy who became an apostle speaks of patience, and I get that it's yet another aspect of this episode: patience is rewarded but so difficult to sustain in regards to the actions of the lead characters.
Oooh clever segue..."I couldn't think of better hands," Hank assures his Baby Skeptics, cut to WV washing his own (which will never ever never be clean) and he realizes it's quiet...too quiet. Yep, the chicken done flew the coop, no good deed goes unpunished by the noble Laila. WV seems to think she was a bit careless and signficantly murmurs, "The clocks," as we then see Hank as his flight arrives checking his phone to find a text from Laila and then warily approaching a hotel room because...IT MIGHT BE A TRAP but the cue is so wistful I'm thinking no. And yeah, they have a sweet reunion and Laila whispers, "We did it," and I'm all, "Girl, you gotta know this ain't over even though I know you don't know you're in Zero Hour."
As the last act begins, husband and wife are having a post-coital discussion about Their Special Love and that Hank is not a Lying Liar Who Lies just to win someone's love. This is Hank's superpower, I'm thinking, not that he's a skeptical schlub, but he is the one who is noble and compassionate and will sacrifice for the sake of love, perhaps the most dangerous ideology of all. Laila attempts - as we would expect - to lead him off the quest and he's all, "Look, this is a Big Secret which has somehow managed to elude my skepticism!"
LET THE MAN SKEPT, AIIGHT?!
*ahem*
I mean, it's far better than having him be all WHA? like previously.
Ideologies and identity are further bandied about as she gets him to swallow the blue pill...at least temporarily, pulling him back down on the bed while the clocks sit there, telling him otherwise with their very presence.
Riley and Agent Blonde are going over the Forbidden Files, discussing luck (a subset of fate) when they make a significant discovery and Scully is suddenly on the phone to her Mulder, while Paige says, ""Dude, no time for just asking, we're Feds, we can track everyone through their phones!"
Again: "What's in the box, man?! What's in the box?!"
At the No-Tell Hotel, Hank's phone is blowing up and predictably, he's just too well-humped to care.
The Fourth Apostle reveals that the Holy Relic is the true cross, but somehow manages to make it sound like something more than wood, while - and I totally figured this out, you guys - Riley busts in on Hank because her husband and his wife were supposed to be seatmates on Russiyana Flight 71.
And The Escape Artist Formerly Known As Laila has left the building.
Hank, listen to me. Everything you think you know...is a lie.
Well obviously, Riley...but why? That is the question you have to keep answering every week.
As Laila (or Anna Massey, as she is apparently also known as) takes a cab to elsewhere with clocks in hand, the voiceover of the Fourth Apostle informs us that the true cross is The Doorway To God.
Uh...okay? There was a lot to unpack in this one and I can't say I liked it all, but Show is back and that's all that matters.
I wanted to note, in regards to identity:
Jacinda Barrett is Australian, just like Anna Massey is supposed to be, so I'm assuming that's intentional to make up for Edwards' bad accent because when she has to 'fess up she'll be authentic.
Carmen Ejogo, who plays Riley, is UK-born and in her last scene for whatever reason she completely loses control over her Yank inflections when she tells Hank what she learned about Laila.
The good (scoring) stuff:
Trevor's theme for the flashback sequences has a really lovely majestic feel to it, it reminds me somewhat of his score for The Great Raid. What I have come to think of as "the puzzle theme" is also very catchy, there's something about the way it sort of gallops along, but in an understated fashion. The theme during the code-breaking sequence has a nice sort of "countdown" motif to it but it's subtle as well. During the scene with Riley and Paige (Agent Blonde) I like the way the theme sort of creeps up on you, on metaphorical conspiratorial cat paws. I appreciated the way the theme, while Hank explores Genesis, was all deceptive calm. The last act has a cue which reminds me a bit of "Aftermath" from Deep Blue Sea in its sparse beauty.
