My apologies to readers for the further delay; further work commitments for the month happened along (i.e. my gig writing descriptions for an artisan fragrance company) and I had to put off both the recap and the interview transcription, and then type my brains out to get both done within a tight deadline, but I digress, so let's get on it now...
Previously on: COUNTDOWN TO ARMAGEDDON, APPARENTLY.
Those crazy kids Hank and Laila are going off on a quixotic quest to destroy the True Cross so Hank doesn't to have don the sad wings of destiny as the human detonation device of the Apocalypse, or whatever. Meanwhile, White Vincent is trying his best to be a good little errand boy for Mommy Locust and find it before his freaky-ass eyeball'ed lab rat brother does. And other stuff.
Tick-tock...WV delivers what I consider the most anvilicious rhyme yet about how he and Hank really are lab-rat brothers because...well, we'll save it for the scenes in question.
We're back at the beginning, where the main theme and the hokey dialogue inform us this is Zero Hour! and the pesky Rosicrucians must save the world from the evil religious artifact-hoarding Nazis and one doppelganger with a bad accent is talking to another whose accent is not so bad...but, like, we can't figure out who that is? Really? I mean, you don't even really try to make it suspenseful, Show, and if you're not gonna even try to work with me in this relationship, I just don't know if we can move forward...
(Oh wait, that's right, ABC filed for divorce. Moving on.)
To eternity...AND BEYOND! (Whoops sorry.)
Hank and Laila arrive in Strasbourg and they argue epistemology at the airport, and agree to go off with the first random taxi driver they encounter (which violates a sacred tourist rule).
The Feds are chasing their tales and Riley's boss snarks, "Since you're not doing your job and all, maybe you'd like to explain how this chick has five thousand aliases?"
Reggie puts out an execution order on Hank and Laila: I WANT THEM DEAD, AND I WANT BODY PARTS TO BE DELIVERED UNTO ME ONCE THEY ARE DEAD as we see Assassin Guy in yet another invocation of Cape Fear (Show, what is up with that?).
The Cute Squad is worried and expositioning and of course The Feds bust in and make all the other employees (Really? You're still trying to convince us this magazine isn't just a front for, say, lab rats waiting for their progremming to kick in and end the world?) go home.
Somewhere in the North Sea, WV is briefing Mommy Locust on the status of the mission and she brings in a former colleague, Molars, WV looks like a cat which has been given a new mouse to gnaw on.
It's always a map!
Hank and Laila come face-to-face with The Mother of All Clocks at the cathedral while Laila attempts to invoke a variant of Godwin's Law, apparently.
Assassin Guy rolls up on the taxi driver and when the guy demands payment for his surveillance, AG basically tells him, without a word, I will pay you...WITH DEATH!
And...cue title sequence! That was about the same amount of time as last week but it felt longer, I think, because of all the cross-cutting.
Back at the media empire Arron and Paige are weirdly flirting in their geeky way while Riley leans on Rachel to give her the hookup, guilting her into assistance (since she can't shoot anybody with her boss in the next room and all).
Meanwhile at Clock Central, Hank and Laila exposition, random docent, exposition, and surprise! Assassin Guy appears and Laila is all OMG OMG OMG FREEZE IT'S THE T2000. As is his wont, he causes a bit of mayhem.
Apocalypse Tourism, yeah it could catch on.
Somewhere in the North Sea, WV and Molars are enacting the dance of long-standing frenemies. WV speaks cryptically of tea, dreams and death...until Molars says "Remember the mission, dude?" There's a weird sort of homoerotic tension between them...just sayin.'
Back in WWII, Dietrich writes long philosophical tracts in his journal, much like any pesky Rosicrucian. Sterm then joins him and they blather for a while. It's difficult to keep track from one flashback to another.
Laila gets exposition-y about Golem, who as I noted bears a certain resemblance to the T2000 in his robotic intensity, and yet somehow they escape because reasons. They then argue about what do with the Holy Plot Device, and of course the Skeptical Schlub is all for Blinding It With Science. He calls Riley who whines, "You ditched me!" and then Laila breaks in and is all, "Chill Fedster, let's work this shit out, aiight?!"
We are led to believe that Riley's boss may be the dirty one in the organization, and let's face it: the guy looks pretty shady either way, in that bureaucratic toad kind of way.
More philosophical meanderings with WV and Molars and...flashback! as the doppelgangers blah-blah-blah in the presence of the Holy Plot Device. Sterm reassures Dietrich that The Plan will go on and that Jesus is in a piece of wood? Yeah see, the memory of my catechism is not that strong, apparently.
Reggie is going on about how the Shepherds and their Terminator are BAMFs who will hunt those infidels down!
Somehow, Hank and Laila manage to stay alive long enough to have Riley, Agent Blonde, and the Cute Squad show up with the clocks, and then she gets all protective of the Skeptical Schlub and the Cute Squad, threatening to kill Laila if she lies again...yeah whatever. Laila reveals what we already knew about Theo being aligned with the Pyrates. Laila was meant to waylay Theo but Car Crash of Destiny and all. More WHY?ing.
The Scoobies are puzzling out what to do next, and of course Arron has a pop culture geek plan which can't miss! They go forth to their daring plan, the Feds keeping watch as Laila spy-fus her way into the catacombs, because obviously every major city has them. As they're creeping through the tunnels, Laila is trying to build a contrite bridge and Arron's all, "Um sorry, you're a Lying Liar Who Lies."
Somewhere in the North Sea, WV is reading The Diary of a Doppelganger and...cue flashback!
Sterm and Dietrich have a pissing match and Dietrich wants to change course, and so okay, I'm assuming this is how subsicle, and Dietrich keeps harping on putting the Holy Plot Device in the mud, and I'm all, "Dude, it's in a box fer chrissakes!" Sterm shoots Dietrich so that The Plan may prevail, which allows for Dietrich to have an epic death scene talking about the sweet fraternity in Heaven where I imagine there's beer and roofies and...oh wait, yeah not that kind of fraternity party, sorry.
The Brothers in Fate, whatever that means.
The Scoobies ninja their way into the cathedral and set about unlocking The Mother of All Clocks with Bible passages and Rachel and Arron have a tender moment and...er mah gah Show, can we please not have this unrequited romantic bullshit? Please?! Outside, Paige is not picking up because...Golem is unrelentlngly making his way to them. Riley tries to get into the crime scene and even her multilingual rankpulling has no effect on the French, they're all vous parlez a la main; I mean really, she should have totally known that wasn't gonna work.
Laila, meanwhile, proclaims JESUS SAYS YOU SHOULD FORGIVE ME, HANK. And what's Hank gonna do, she's a Hot Girl With Clock-fu, yanno? So all the clues are entered and the Mother of All Clocks finally spits out the last piece of the puzzle and then...curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal, Agent Blonde! She does this thing with her eyebrows like betcha didn't see that coming, didya?! Show, dude, whatevs, I haz an underwhelmed. I'd seriously think this was parody but there's no laugh track.
Riley sums up the next sequence by stating "And there's our mole," but only after Paige gets all fanatical-like. Gunplay, running, and Golem cleans up the mess...Agent Blonde, we hardly knew ye.
More flirting between WV and Molars...I get that's there meant to be a creepy tension and all but these scenes just seem so painfully slow compared to the pacing of the rest of the ep.
Laila conveniently finds the map (because it's always a map), Riley has footage of WV, Hank sends the Cute Squad home, and Riley freaks out because...DUN DUN DUN, her martyr'ed husband is not so senselessly dead.
That's gotta fuck with your head, am I right?
The good (scoring) stuff: there are a lot of Action Movie! and Unbearable Tension! cues in this episode and that's not a bad thing, because that's why Trevor gets the big bucks to be the Go-To Action Guy.
(And if anyone can email me and tell me what the easter egg reference is in this recap I will praise you in the next recap as a person of cleverness and taste. You're welcome.)
